Reverse Doubt story

[Archaea]

After all the stories of apostasy, perhaps reverse apostasy is in order.

As many know or do not know, I grew up heathen, believing in nothing. When I was about twelve, I inquired of my father, a successful professional, reasonably worldly and articulate, if anything existed after death, or if God existed.

His answer stuck with me to this day. "Son, when I see a dead dog, I don't see anything but a dead limp carcass, so no there's nothing beyond the realm of sight." Made sense to me.

Mom tried to make me go to Sunday School at the Presbyerian Church. I'm certain those were honorable people, but I wanted to ski, and to watch fooball on my weekends, not be couped up inside listening to stories my Dad said were corny.

Now I have always liked to read. As a primary school student, I remember reading voraciously the Encyclpedia Britannica, my Dad acquired, from A to Z and even the dictionary from cover to cover. I read Count of Monte Cristo as a fifth grader and some of the Russian novels in sixth grade (I don't know if I understood them until I read them years later, but they were "cool" stories). If it involved science, I read about it.

In fifth grade, I built a very crude "computer", which basically had a series of preprogrammed questions to which the "computer", a wooden box with a battery, some resistors, and connections inside and would have a light go off when somebody answered the question correctly. How I got the crude idea, I do not remember. (Too bad I didn't stick with it but I wasn't Bill Gates no matter what).

My next introduction to religion was the "Holly Rollers" on tv. They looked absurd to me. That may be a cruel assessment, but to my young, immature mind, that's the impression they made to me. The music wasn't related to Deep Purple, Led Zepplin or Crosby Stills and Nash, so it made no sense and their attributions to divinity seemed weird and out of place.

Science and the concrete explanations science gave made sense.

Move ahead to freshman biology, the concept of evolution of the Species is discussed in whatever detail we could understand. Yep we were descendants of apes.

Some gal, a Catholic, "Stella" asked to read from the Bible. She read the creation story, something I'd never heard of before. I giggled. Others did as well. (Credit to this biology instructor who stated he didn't believe the odds of the universe could allow for but one planet where life could be but he wanted to allow for an alternative presentation).

Afterwards, I asked one of the jock guys, "Can you believe that stuff?"

His reply was, "yes." I kept shut up thereafter on the subject of religion. Oops, this was one of the cool guys and I had made a bonehead statement.

Move ahead a year or two more, and some missionaries show up. Who were these geeks? Despite my father's military training, we, his sons, looked more like the Beatles than we did Army recruits. My dad was constantly stating, "Get your hair cut, son." To which I replied, "but dad I'm saving you money and it's the we dudes do it."

They tell us the JS story, my brother and I giggle, fart and ask smartass questions. "Where'd the plates go, that'd be cool to see them." I felt nothing.

"You can't, God took them back."

"Oh, sure ---likely story."

Part of family gets baptized, smart alec me does not.

However, I start hanging around Mormon girls and guys and find out, they're not weird, just different. After a while, even though anti stuff was strong, the LDS ideas began to have a peculiar logic about them. With interest, an open mind starts developing. The doubts and indeed ridicule gave way, to an attitude, well, let's try it scientifically. Not, try all facts scientifically, as I'd already done that, and found I could dismiss anything. Descartes, was wrong, I could even doubt my own existence. So knowing I could doubt anything, I tried a new experiment.

I first shelved concerns and tried out the lifestyle, which was much less complex than the ones my associates pursued.

And I watched my "cool" friends who, by the way attended, Stanford, Harvard and Cal, UNR, or other assorted universities, have whacked out lives. Professionally successful, but personally disastrous. Colleague after colleague had drug, alcohol, health or relationship problems. LDS life seemed less complex. jSo it was worth a shot.

Here are some things I initially found weird and unbelievable.

The JS story.

God.

Right and wrong.

Sex was not a right of man like food, but a privilege between a husband and a wife.

Book of Abraham.

Blacks and the priesthood.

Afterlife.

Sin.

Okay, so these were a few minor, inconsequential details I quibbled with.

But having decided to start my experiment, I stated, "hey, I have nothing to lose." If it doesn't work, I can go back to where I started.

So I put on the mantle of LDS life.

I tried prayer. It didn't work for me. I expected visions, angels and all sorts of "mythical" experiences. Never came. Now I don't expect it but for a while it was a big disappointment. I figured, "well as crappy and roudy as I'd been, perhaps, I won't deserve it, but .." It took years before I accepted prayer as a form of meditation where I tried to put my will consistent with how I understood what God's will was. It still is a difficult exercise, but I no longer expect fantastic visions or events, just some direction and quiet insight.

I read the BoM. Now it was illogical, ordinary prose, unwieldy but something happened as irrational as it were.

Its reading made me want to become a better person, a kinder person and to throw off the warrior mentality I had acquired fighting it out amongst the guys. I did not understand how a story, which could have been made up, could make me want to change myself. But it did.

It was not the best literature, for literature's sake I had read or would read, not even close, but it had the most profound impact upon my immature soul; it made me, not selfless, not by a long shot, but for the first time consider, "hey, maybe others have worth too; everybody's not here to serve my curiosity." Despite having read some classics, it was the first reading that made me consider, life is not about conquering or avoiding conquest, but about pursuing goals for a purpose. It resonated within. Faith began emanating within me, without me even deciding to have faith.

After that modest changes transpired.

Dress changed and I was less about me and more accommodating of others than I was before. Before I knew it, answers came ever so slowly, not really within prayer but I began having von Stradonitz, or "benzene ring" discoveries, which my soul recognized as coming from without.

And those quibbles with "minor details" could be reconciled logically, or at least tolerated until later date. Some of my questions have been shelved, reexamined and reshelved for more than thirty years. And likely will remain with me until I die. But these ambiguities do not deter me from "trying" faith as an experiment. When I try, most times, the trial of faith is worth it.

So my attitude of doubt went from, "why is it this way?", to "how can I make it so."

I have plenty of cynicism, as many here will note, and failure is a constant companion, but life functions better when I shelve doubts and ask not, "why", but "how shall I make it so." I intend to be a protagonist or agent in life, not an antoagonist or reactant. This proactive tension often feeds me, seeking the knowledge of the difference between those I can change and those things I cannot.

So unlike those who lost faith, by virtue of feeling bad, I gave up my doubts by virtue of feeling good and seek to make it so even when it's most difficult.

Kinda rambling, but after all the "why I doubt", it seemed a reverse doubt story might be interesting. I'll have to polish it, as I'm not much of a writer. Or maybe I won't.

[creekster]

Excellent story. I appreciate you posting it. make sure to bump it to the top on Monday when everyone is at 'work.'

[il Padrino Ute]

I enter Creekster's sentiments. Thanks for sharing that.

[Colly Wolly]

Cool story.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Nice job, Arch. Thanks.

[RockyBalboa]

Fantastic post and a great breath of fresh air.

Just what CG needed. Thanks Arch.

[All-American]

Thanks for sharing.

[shobeewan]

I didn't think you were allowed to post things like that on CG... Thank you

[Archaea]

thanks for everybody's kind words.

If anybody else came from outside pioneer stock, it might be interesting to know your heritages.

[MikeWaters]

Nice account. My father is pioneer stock. But my mother was a pioneer herself, in a way. Converted and immigrated. And suffered much as a result.

Just like you, Archaea, are a pioneer in your own family.