The Real Me

[Anthesian]

My name is Dave. I'm 24 years old. I'm a student at a school in Arizona. I'm a Religious Studies and Philosophy Major with a Psychology minor.

I was raised, somewhat, as a member of the LDS Church. I was baptized in October of 1996 at the age of 13 on my mother's birthday. I did it for her. Shortly thereafter I went inactive with the rest of my family. We were never consistent in our church attendance.

I realized I was gay when I was a freshman in high school. I found it easy, with little religious influence, to accept myself. That didn't last long as I became involved with Protestant churches that told me that I was sinful in nature. I also had minimal involvement in LDS seminary. I was a lost boy looking for hope in something I wasn't sure I believed in. This continued all through high school.

I continually recreated myself, phases if you will, to determine who I was. The most prominent characteristic was my love for politics. I once wanted to be a politician who fought for equality.

My parents got divorced when I was 16. I found out through my mom that my dad was actually gay.

I came out to my family my senior year. At first, my mom seemed okay with it. But she began to ask me if I had a girlfriend. It happened every week. It was painful.

I went to school at a university in 2002. I drank every night and slept all day. The result was that I lost my scholarship and lost control of whoever I was supposed to be.

As a last line of hope, I looked to the LDS church. I attended faithfully for 2 years. I gave up everything. I gave up all the bad stuff taught to us through Section 89 of the D&C. I gave up my sexual lifestyle so that I could hold a temple recommend. I confessed everything to my bishop. I worked so hard to be what I knew my mom wanted me to be and what the leaders of the church wanted me to be. I pushed myself back into the closet.

I attended counseling at LDS Family Services. The ward paid for it because I was unable to do so financially.

In May of 2005, a good friend of mine who was a missionary at the time was my escort through the Mesa Temple for my endowment. It was one of the most joyous experiences of my life.

Sadly, I became restless. I couldn't reconcile being gay and Mormon. What did I do? I went out and had drunken sex with a guy I met at a bar. Out of guilt, I confessed to my bishop. On August 19, 2005, I was disfellowshipped. I have never returned to full fellowship since.

At about the same time, I actually did become more involved with the Community of Christ. I attended infrequently and learned that they were more affirming of gays and lesbians than the LDS. My involvement has continued to this time. I was officially baptized as a member of the Community of Christ on May 11, 2008. I have grown to love the church and it is a huge part of my life.

I chose my major for education because I am fascinated with the different ideas of belief of different worldly faiths. As for the minor in Psychology, I want to understand why I fear where I came from, who I am, and where I am going. My choices to pretend to be someone I am not on LDS web boards is not understandable to me. I think I only do it for attention. Why? I don't know.

"The Broken, The Beaten, and The Abandoned" is my attempt to finally reconcile the continuing internal torment I inflict on myself with the love of Christ. It is also meant to be a voice for those who struggle and who have struggled with homosexuality. Maybe if I can finally have internal peace, I can stop this bullshit of a mess I have already created.

I am also fascinated by Latter-day Saint history and theology. I love reading about women and the priesthood, ordination of blacks, reconstruction of Mormon doctrine. Mostly the controversial issues. I guess I love controversy. At the same time, I'm also a hyporcrite. When someone bashes on the LDS church, I am quick to defend. At the same time, I have no problem arguing where the church has gone wrong.

In the end, I don't know that I will ever be in a real relationship because of my inability to be honest with myself and others (because of fear). I know that I don't deserve the forgiveness of anyone of you on this board or any other board. I do apologize. I am a liar. I hope this post helps. Maybe it just shows that I'm even more screwed up in the head. I guess it does not matter.

Thank you all for your abrasive and disrespectful comments. They were deserved and needed so that I could create this post.

Dave