The Theological All-Star Team - cougarguard.com — unofficial BYU Cougars / LDS sports, football, basketball forum and message board

All-American · 09-01-2006, 05:59 AM

At the beginning of the football season, it is altogether proper that we take a moment to reflect upon not only the great players of the past, but the even greater players that never put on pads. Though the players at BYU have justly earned their respect, the esteem they have earned pales in comparison to the reverence paid to those important men whose history culminates in the present day.

Now, we merge the two groups together to give you the All-Stars of the Scriptures. Any name found anywhere from Genesis to Articles of Faith is eligible to pick this elite squad of the men whom we would have loved to see don a football uniform. Here they are:

Offense

Quarterback: Jesus. ‘Nuff said. (Also considered: David—a terrific leader, and those who knock him for his small stature clearly never saw his first game. Somewhat soft, however, and has some significant work to do with the Honor Code before he'll ever see the field.)

Fullback: Brigham Young. A low center of gravity, combined with an iron will, make the stubborn Young a tough load to bring down. Besides, if you’re gonna name the school after him, you gotta put him in somewhere. (Also considered: Moses, whose expertise limits him to 4th and 1 situations. The Red Sea couldn’t stop him from driving forward—why should any goal line defense?)

Halfbacks: this position requires a rare mix of strength and speed, and the seraphim are ineligible. Paul’s quick feet and versatility make him the standout of this group, followed closely behind by Peter, Nephi and Lehi (from the Book of Helaman). (Also considered: John the Baptist and James, brother of John—though both are good athletes, they tend to handle pressure poorly; in heated moments, they lose their heads.)

Wide Receiver: Nobody knows why BYU insisted on so many slow white receivers, and I can’t say exactly why Elijah, Isaiah, and Jeremiah make this list. I just think Isaiah must have run good routes.

Tight End: Though young, his great stature, his ability to penetrate defenses, and his “Go and Do” attitude make Nephi the perfect Tight End. His propensity to rip off the heads of his opponents is a bonus.

Offensive Line: The sons of Helaman. Though this group is young and inexperienced, their grasp of fundamentals is unparalleled; you can always count on them to pick up their assignments.

Defense (note: the formation is an assumed 3-4-4)

Defensive Line: There are two ways to deal with a position that experiences frequent injuries: one, depth; and two, translated beings. This makes The Three Nephites an obvious and excellent pick for this position. With their pain threshold off the charts, there is no amount of punishment this formidable group can’t handle.

Middle Linebackers: though some may be surprised that Joseph Smith is not listed at quarterback, this position is actually a much better suit for him. With daunting strength and stature, Brother Joseph also had an attack mentality that would have been wasted at any other position in the field, in addition to providing inspiring leadership. If Joseph’s leadership were in any way lacking, it would be bolstered significantly by the other middle linebacker, Captain Moroni. I mean, honestly, who would want to try to play against Captain Moroni? (Also considered: Sampson, whose strength would make his selection a no-brainer, but may also struggle with honor code issues.)

Outside Linebackers: Gideon and Gideon. One from the book of Judges, the other from the Book of Mosiah. It’s just too good to be true.

Cornerbacks: You have to put Ammon, son of Mosiah, on the defensive side somewhere, and nowhere makes more sense than this position. Besides providing excellent protection for the defense, Ammon offers limitless possibilities of humorous jokes comparing him to Brandon Heaney, who also experienced frequent shoulder separations. The other has to be Teancum—less because of his ability to defend the pass, and more because he can come from nowhere on a corner blitz and sack the quarterback (as Amalickiah and Ammoron can attest to).

Safeties: Nobody puts up a last line of defense quite like Mormon and Moroni. Mormon is a born athelete, and Moroni is a survivor.

Special teams

Punter: The Christian dispensation began with Jesus, who was killed. Next was Peter, who was killed. Next was James, who was killed. On 4th and long, John the Beloved punted the truth over 1700 years away to Joseph Smith, before he was made the middle linebacker.

Kicker: Isaac, son of Abraham. He plays a critical role in the scriptures, linking Father Abraham to Father Israel, but never gets any credit for it. Besides, whenever a close game is blown, the kicker is usually the one who is sacrificed.

Returns Specialist: You may be surprised to hear this one, but no man is a better fit for the job than Samuel the Lamanite. It’s not that he’s necessarily the fastest, but the other team just can’t seem to hit him.

il Padrino Ute · 09-01-2006, 06:17 AM

Well done!

I'm surprised you couldn't find a spot in the defensive backfield for Ammon as nobody can make the arm of the opponent as useless as he did.

All-American · 09-01-2006, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by il Padrino Ute

Well done!

I'm surprised you couldn't find a spot in the defensive backfield for Ammon as nobody can make the arm of the opponent as useless as he did.

He's at cornerback.

MikeWaters · 09-01-2006, 02:18 PM

I like Thomas as the color man in the booth. You need a realist there.

09-01-2006, 05:59 AM	#1
All-American Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 3,420	The Theological All-Star Team At the beginning of the football season, it is altogether proper that we take a moment to reflect upon not only the great players of the past, but the even greater players that never put on pads. Though the players at BYU have justly earned their respect, the esteem they have earned pales in comparison to the reverence paid to those important men whose history culminates in the present day. Now, we merge the two groups together to give you the All-Stars of the Scriptures. Any name found anywhere from Genesis to Articles of Faith is eligible to pick this elite squad of the men whom we would have loved to see don a football uniform. Here they are: Offense Quarterback: Jesus. ‘Nuff said. (Also considered: David—a terrific leader, and those who knock him for his small stature clearly never saw his first game. Somewhat soft, however, and has some significant work to do with the Honor Code before he'll ever see the field.) Fullback: Brigham Young. A low center of gravity, combined with an iron will, make the stubborn Young a tough load to bring down. Besides, if you’re gonna name the school after him, you gotta put him in somewhere. (Also considered: Moses, whose expertise limits him to 4th and 1 situations. The Red Sea couldn’t stop him from driving forward—why should any goal line defense?) Halfbacks: this position requires a rare mix of strength and speed, and the seraphim are ineligible. Paul’s quick feet and versatility make him the standout of this group, followed closely behind by Peter, Nephi and Lehi (from the Book of Helaman). (Also considered: John the Baptist and James, brother of John—though both are good athletes, they tend to handle pressure poorly; in heated moments, they lose their heads.) Wide Receiver: Nobody knows why BYU insisted on so many slow white receivers, and I can’t say exactly why Elijah, Isaiah, and Jeremiah make this list. I just think Isaiah must have run good routes. Tight End: Though young, his great stature, his ability to penetrate defenses, and his “Go and Do” attitude make Nephi the perfect Tight End. His propensity to rip off the heads of his opponents is a bonus. Offensive Line: The sons of Helaman. Though this group is young and inexperienced, their grasp of fundamentals is unparalleled; you can always count on them to pick up their assignments. Defense (note: the formation is an assumed 3-4-4) Defensive Line: There are two ways to deal with a position that experiences frequent injuries: one, depth; and two, translated beings. This makes The Three Nephites an obvious and excellent pick for this position. With their pain threshold off the charts, there is no amount of punishment this formidable group can’t handle. Middle Linebackers: though some may be surprised that Joseph Smith is not listed at quarterback, this position is actually a much better suit for him. With daunting strength and stature, Brother Joseph also had an attack mentality that would have been wasted at any other position in the field, in addition to providing inspiring leadership. If Joseph’s leadership were in any way lacking, it would be bolstered significantly by the other middle linebacker, Captain Moroni. I mean, honestly, who would want to try to play against Captain Moroni? (Also considered: Sampson, whose strength would make his selection a no-brainer, but may also struggle with honor code issues.) Outside Linebackers: Gideon and Gideon. One from the book of Judges, the other from the Book of Mosiah. It’s just too good to be true. Cornerbacks: You have to put Ammon, son of Mosiah, on the defensive side somewhere, and nowhere makes more sense than this position. Besides providing excellent protection for the defense, Ammon offers limitless possibilities of humorous jokes comparing him to Brandon Heaney, who also experienced frequent shoulder separations. The other has to be Teancum—less because of his ability to defend the pass, and more because he can come from nowhere on a corner blitz and sack the quarterback (as Amalickiah and Ammoron can attest to). Safeties: Nobody puts up a last line of defense quite like Mormon and Moroni. Mormon is a born athelete, and Moroni is a survivor. Special teams Punter: The Christian dispensation began with Jesus, who was killed. Next was Peter, who was killed. Next was James, who was killed. On 4th and long, John the Beloved punted the truth over 1700 years away to Joseph Smith, before he was made the middle linebacker. Kicker: Isaac, son of Abraham. He plays a critical role in the scriptures, linking Father Abraham to Father Israel, but never gets any credit for it. Besides, whenever a close game is blown, the kicker is usually the one who is sacrificed. Returns Specialist: You may be surprised to hear this one, but no man is a better fit for the job than Samuel the Lamanite. It’s not that he’s necessarily the fastest, but the other team just can’t seem to hit him. __________________ εν αρχη ην ο λογος

09-01-2006, 06:17 AM	#2
il Padrino Ute Board Pinhead Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: In the basement of my house, Murray, Utah. Posts: 15,941	Well done! I'm surprised you couldn't find a spot in the defensive backfield for Ammon as nobody can make the arm of the opponent as useless as he did. __________________ "The beauty of baseball is not having to explain it." - Chuck Shriver "This is now the joke that stupid people laugh at." - Christopher Hitchens on IQ jokes about GWB.

09-01-2006, 02:18 PM	#4
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	I like Thomas as the color man in the booth. You need a realist there.