Masterbation, Nordicism, and Concubines/Man-whores

[SeattleUte]

I want this excellent five star thread bannering the religion section.

[BigFatMeanie]

Originally Posted by pelagius

Jeff and tooblue are very wise. In fact Quinn highlights the following from a first presidency letter in his timeline at the end of the Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power:

Yup - it's the Mormon version of "Don't ask, don't tell". My general rule of thumb is: "Anything goes, as long as it only involves your spouse."

[nikuman]

Originally Posted by cougjunkie

in the temple the temple president met with us and his exact words were "What happens behind closed doors is between you, your wife, and the lord, i dont want to know about it or hear about it"

This was the instruction I was given as well.

[SoCalCoug]

Originally Posted by BigFatMeanie

Yup - it's the Mormon version of "Don't ask, don't tell". My general rule of thumb is: "Anything goes, as long as it only involves your spouse."

Which leads to the question I've always had about polygamy - does it also mean "anything goes as long as it only involves your spouses"? I'm sure goatnapper will know what I'm getting at.

[nikuman]

Originally Posted by Goatnapper'96

Sister Goatnapper could be confused with Mahanna you fertile, but alas my little swimmers would get their ass kicked by not only Requiem's fastpitch softball change up, but by Commie Crimson's fat ass in a 40 yard dash. They just don't get upstream, if ya know what I mean.

Enter our topic. I have. I have in nasty Army hospital latrines. I have in the lush comfort of the "specimen collection room" at the U of U Department of Reproductive Endocronology with Air Supply "Here I am the one that you love" softly wafting over the airwaves. They even have "reading material" in the 3rd floor of the dresser, dirty nasty Utes will use any excuse to push porn on such innocent and unsuspecting mormon boys as myself. I understand that the venerated ColoUte is the chief porn purveyor for that outfit. I did not look, in fact whether or not there is really porn in the third drawer is still a mystery to me. I just thought of Kelly Smith catching that swinger pass from a broken and knobbly kneed Bobby Roscoe, and it was like shazam..viagara eat your heart out..bloodflow extrodinaire.

I never checked with any ecclesiastical leader if it was right. I cannot understand why anyone would think that choking the ol chicken for the purpose of fulfilling the great commandment given to our first parents in Eden would be. In fact it never even crossed my mind that it was wrong. Now perhaps as I spanked myself screaming out "Kozlowski, say it like you mean it bitch!" might have been out of line, but such was the mood.

True story, as if any of my previous crap could possibly be fiction....when I was going through the testing procedure to learn why my little swimmers had the fight of an Iraqi Republican Guard division I was doing the deed in Keller Army Hospital at that garden spot of the world, Fort Polk Lose-ee-anna, I was just about at the moment of truth when in my wicked imaginations of Danny Ainge fingerrolls, Eddie Stinnet halfback passes and Jimmy Mac "Hail Mary's" I must have thought myself Fahu Tahi as I fumbled away the collection cup. I had to assume vice grip procedures while I grunted out "a little help" to the fellar in the next stall. He obliged. 48 hours later the Squadron PA called me to notify me I was what he referred to as a "non-performer."

Even Lance Rice has more respect.

I keep forgetting how spectacular you are when you're not under house arrest.

[SoCalCoug]

If there is a Hall of Fame for CougarGuard posts, I propose that goatnapper's masturbation post be the first inductee.

[OrangeUte]

This thread of posts has it all - sex, porno, religion, a little mystery involving "behind closed doors" things... It reminds me of the following story.

My friend had to write a story for his High School English Class. The teacher had taught them that great literature had several key elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and a little Mystery. The following story earned my friend an A for the class.

"Holy cow," the princess said, pregnant again, wonder who did it.

As a newbie to this website, I am assuming that it is the same elements that earn a post 5 stars here on Cougarguard.

[SeattleUte]

Goatnapper's fine post reminded me of the funniest public bathroom story I ever heard. A guy I once knew at the U of U was from Tremonton, a good Mormon RM, and pretty sheltered. And this was a few years ago, before gays were part of the mainstream. On campus he walks into a public bathroom during a slow time of the day in one of the more remote buildings. He looks down to see if one of the stalls is taken and sees four feet pointed the same way, and in front of them a pair of hands flat palms down splayed on the floor. He walks out ashen and shaking like a leaf.

[8ballrollin]

Originally Posted by SoCalCoug

If there is a Hall of Fame for CougarGuard posts, I propose that goatnapper's masturbation post be the first inductee.

Maybe he can redefine what it means to have a "bronze life-size bust" in a HOF?

[BigFatMeanie]

Originally Posted by SoCalCoug

Which leads to the question I've always had about polygamy - does it also mean "anything goes as long as it only involves your spouses"? I'm sure goatnapper will know what I'm getting at.

According to my sources, sexual escapades involving anything other than the husband and one wife at a time are prohibited by the polygs. That seems like a totall bummer to me - all the hassles of multiple wives without any "fringe benefits".