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Old 08-02-2016, 11:53 AM   #1
MikeWaters
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Default it finally happened

older couple at church, husband left wife for a former flame connected on facebook. It reminds me of the adages I have read about from church authorities (I think one of them was a BYU commencement, which I found bizarre). "Don't connect with old flames on facebook" or some-such.

Of course, when you are a church authority you get exposed to a lot more of this. You know about affairs and divorces. Regular joe member like me doesn't usually hear about this stuff.

Is technology fundamentally different now? Did their use to be warnings about letters? Telegraphs? The telephone?

I've seen this with a friend's parents pre-social media. His mother left the marriage. It ended spectacularly badly. Without going into any details. Trust me.

One other observation: it seems by far the people most likely to get divorced from what I have observed among my facebook friends and acquaintances--less educated and less well-off white people.

A former prominent member of CG got divorced not long ago. Bunch of kids and all. He doesn't fit that category of being less educated and less well-off.

It just happens. We know that from statistics. Divorces happen.
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Old 08-02-2016, 11:03 PM   #2
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From reading your post it doesn't look like this case changed your thesis.

To me, if this happens at all, and it could be prevented at little cost, it should.
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Old 08-03-2016, 12:04 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeWaters View Post
older couple at church, husband left wife for a former flame connected on facebook. It reminds me of the adages I have read about from church authorities (I think one of them was a BYU commencement, which I found bizarre). "Don't connect with old flames on facebook" or some-such.

Of course, when you are a church authority you get exposed to a lot more of this. You know about affairs and divorces. Regular joe member like me doesn't usually hear about this stuff.

Is technology fundamentally different now? Did their use to be warnings about letters? Telegraphs? The telephone?

I've seen this with a friend's parents pre-social media. His mother left the marriage. It ended spectacularly badly. Without going into any details. Trust me.

One other observation: it seems by far the people most likely to get divorced from what I have observed among my facebook friends and acquaintances--less educated and less well-off white people.

A former prominent member of CG got divorced not long ago. Bunch of kids and all. He doesn't fit that category of being less educated and less well-off.

It just happens. We know that from statistics. Divorces happen.

Divorces happen, not due to technology, but due to lack of proper maintenance of relationships, or due to having a bad connection to start with and never correcting them.

I don't believe education has anything to do with divorces. The very wealthy and educated get divorced at the same rate or higher than the poor and uneducated. In fact, the stats show the poor and uneducated often stay together because they can't afford to divorce.

You are entering the age when you will see a higher percentages of couples you know begin to divorce. Young children often keep couples together, but after a while for some, the bad relationship is just not worth it for one or both of the parties.

It will sadden you to see the children spending split time when you thought those families were golden. And it will never be a perfect solution. The dilemma is, does one spend the rest of life and perhaps longer, miserable, or does one try to get a better shake because two can't make it work? Many spend life together miserable to stay together. Others break it off. There is no perfect solution, other than to make it work well. Nobody needs to have a relationship that isn't uplifting and energizing. To choose to be miserable is not a solution.

With that said, if one divorces, there will be moments of sadness and wondering if misery wasn't better, but the frequency of those moments diminish over time.
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Old 08-03-2016, 12:24 PM   #4
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Divorces happen, not due to technology, but due to lack of proper maintenance of relationships, or due to having a bad connection to start with and never correcting them.

I don't believe education has anything to do with divorces. The very wealthy and educated get divorced at the same rate or higher than the poor and uneducated. In fact, the stats show the poor and uneducated often stay together because they can't afford to divorce.

You are entering the age when you will see a higher percentages of couples you know begin to divorce. Young children often keep couples together, but after a while for some, the bad relationship is just not worth it for one or both of the parties.

It will sadden you to see the children spending split time when you thought those families were golden. And it will never be a perfect solution. The dilemma is, does one spend the rest of life and perhaps longer, miserable, or does one try to get a better shake because two can't make it work? Many spend life together miserable to stay together. Others break it off. There is no perfect solution, other than to make it work well. Nobody needs to have a relationship that isn't uplifting and energizing. To choose to be miserable is not a solution.

With that said, if one divorces, there will be moments of sadness and wondering if misery wasn't better, but the frequency of those moments diminish over time.
That's not what I've read. The poor tend to marry younger, which leads to a higher likelihood of divorce. Maybe if you control for marriage age, there is no difference.
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Old 08-03-2016, 06:03 PM   #5
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That's not what I've read. The poor tend to marry younger, which leads to a higher likelihood of divorce. Maybe if you control for marriage age, there is no difference.
And it depends what period of time.

During the Great Recession many were staying together instead of divorcing due to unaffordability of divorce. I have not looked at long term stats, so I will defer to somebody who has analyzed that more thoroughly. In any event, I deal with many well-to-do persons who divorce, multiple times. It is sadly a fact of life in all socioeconomic groups. Parents can help their children by modeling and talking about good marital relations. No culture does an adequate enough job doing that.

Modeling is most important but talking about healthy marital relations to our children is also vital. Talk early and often about it.
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Old 08-03-2016, 07:57 PM   #6
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as I suspected, divorce rate is going down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/1...n_6256956.html
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Old 08-04-2016, 12:31 AM   #7
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as I suspected, divorce rate is going down.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/1...n_6256956.html
And I would suspect a number of factors contribute to the decline. As the articles indicates, people are older and perhaps more in tune with what they expect from marriage. Additionally, the social norms have re-adjusted so that people don't marry unless they believe the relationship is positive and sustaining.

No matter who you are divorce is a solution to a unfortunate problem in the relationship and not something to aspire to.
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Old 08-08-2016, 09:45 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeWaters View Post
older couple at church, husband left wife for a former flame connected on facebook. It reminds me of the adages I have read about from church authorities (I think one of them was a BYU commencement, which I found bizarre). "Don't connect with old flames on facebook" or some-such.

Of course, when you are a church authority you get exposed to a lot more of this. You know about affairs and divorces. Regular joe member like me doesn't usually hear about this stuff.

Is technology fundamentally different now? Did their use to be warnings about letters? Telegraphs? The telephone?

I've seen this with a friend's parents pre-social media. His mother left the marriage. It ended spectacularly badly. Without going into any details. Trust me.

One other observation: it seems by far the people most likely to get divorced from what I have observed among my facebook friends and acquaintances--less educated and less well-off white people.

A former prominent member of CG got divorced not long ago. Bunch of kids and all. He doesn't fit that category of being less educated and less well-off.

It just happens. We know that from statistics. Divorces happen.
I know someone personally to whom this happened and facebook was the vehicle. A guy I used to work with -- LDS, educated, well-off financially thought he was just taking his family on vacation in Florida. Little did he know while he was with the kids at Disneyworld and thought his wife was at some scrapbooking convention that she was actually cheating on him with some guy she used to know and had reconnected with through facebook.

Now I'm not going to say this guy didn't have some quirks which even I could see, but that is still a pretty crappy thing to do to your spouse (and kids). And while it's true that it's not that technology is the real problem, I think the sudden rise of social media has led to a lot of people who didn't grow up with it doing things they probably wouldn't have done in "real" life. It has made people think it's somehow ok to act in certain ways because it's on the computer. It's not rational behavior necessarily.
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Old 08-08-2016, 11:25 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by BlueK View Post
I know someone personally to whom this happened and facebook was the vehicle. A guy I used to work with -- LDS, educated, well-off financially thought he was just taking his family on vacation in Florida. Little did he know while he was with the kids at Disneyworld and thought his wife was at some scrapbooking convention that she was actually cheating on him with some guy she used to know and had reconnected with through facebook.

Now I'm not going to say this guy didn't have some quirks which even I could see, but that is still a pretty crappy thing to do to your spouse (and kids). And while it's true that it's not that technology is the real problem, I think the sudden rise of social media has led to a lot of people who didn't grow up with it doing things they probably wouldn't have done in "real" life. It has made people think it's somehow ok to act in certain ways because it's on the computer. It's not rational behavior necessarily.
I'm betting affairs were more frequent in our parents' generation(s).
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Old 08-09-2016, 02:35 PM   #10
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I'm betting affairs were more frequent in our parents' generation(s).
I think the data says in previous generations women cheated much less than men, while today they cheat at roughly the same level as men.
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