Craziest mission stories.

[8ballrollin]

Busses

When riding the bus in the afternoon (they are very, very packed) teenage girls in their school uniforms would press their bodies against you while you stood in isle – facing you or not. Excusing myself, I’d slide to one side, but then inevitably their friends would pick up where they left off. The first time this happened, when I jumped off the bus at our stop, I half wondered if I needed to talk to the MP. Once I realized it was going to happen all the time, which it did, I’d just look at my comp and say, "Matt 5:28, Matt 5:28, Matt 5:28!!"

One more bus story. As I said the busses are very packed (at peak travel times) in the capital city. Passengers jump on the sides of busses and hang on the handles outside the doors, if it is already packed inside. You pull out your fare and it is passed inside to the ayudante for you.

These are the stereotypical converted school busses of Central America.

One morning we were late for a meeting on the other side of the capital – out of our zone. We jumped on the outside of a bus going to our destination as it slowed to let some people off. If we didn’t grab this bus we’d be very late. I’m in the front doorway and my comp is in the back doorway. We are both completely outside of the bus holding on to the step-up handles with only the tips of our feet touching the bottom step, the bus doors are open.

As the bus leaves the stop and is already back in the middle of the road, some dude runs up saying, 'wait, wait" and jumps on my back. He is not touching any part of the bus. I’m now supporting his weight and mine, trying to hang on as the bus accelerates. It’s not going to slow down for me, even if I fall off. The bus is going faster and faster. I can start to feel my hands slipping. "I’m not going to fall off this bus," I say to myself. So like a scene from a Stallone movie, I start giving this guy elbow shots to the ribs. My comp yells, "knock him off!" One more solid blow to the mid-section and the guys is rolling down the side of the road in a heap of dust. I could never think of a way to integrate that story into a talk, but I’m open to suggestions.

CCR was huge in Central America. It seemed like all of the busses blared CCR tunes. I can distinctly picture my comps and I racing down roads, in crowded busses, mouthing the words to "Lodi” or some such song.

[RockyBalboa]

Originally Posted by 8ballrollin

Busses

When riding the bus in the afternoon (they are very, very packed) teenage girls in their school uniforms would press their bodies against you while you stood in isle – facing you or not. Excusing myself, I’d slide to one side, but then inevitably their friends would pick up where they left off. The first time this happened, when I jumped off the bus at our stop, I half wondered if I needed to talk to the MP. Once I realized it was going to happen all the time, which it did, I’d just look at my comp and say, "Matt 5:28, Matt 5:28, Matt 5:28!!"

One more bus story. As I said the busses are very packed (at peak travel times) in the capital city. Passengers jump on the sides of busses and hang on the handles outside the doors, if it is already packed inside. You pull out your fare and it is passed inside to the ayudante for you.

These are the stereotypical converted school busses of Central America.

One morning we were late for a meeting on the other side of the capital – out of our zone. We jumped on the outside of a bus going to our destination as it slowed to let some people off. If we didn’t grab this bus we’d be very late. I’m in the front doorway and my comp is in the back doorway. We are both completely outside of the bus holding on to the step-up handles with only the tips of our feet touching the bottom step, the bus doors are open.

As the bus leaves the stop and is already back in the middle of the road, some dude runs up saying, 'wait, wait" and jumps on my back. He is not touching any part of the bus. I’m now supporting his weight and mine, trying to hang on as the bus accelerates. It’s not going to slow down for me, even if I fall off. The bus is going faster and faster. I can start to feel my hands slipping. "I’m not going to fall off this bus," I say to myself. So like a scene from a Stallone movie, I start giving this guy elbow shots to the ribs. My comp yells, "knock him off!" One more solid blow to the mid-section and the guys is rolling down the side of the road in a heap of dust. I could never think of a way to integrate that story into a talk, but I’m open to suggestions.

CCR was huge in Central America. It seemed like all of the busses blared CCR tunes. I can distinctly picture my comps and I racing down roads, in crowded busses, mouthing the words to "Lodi” or some such song.

LOL...that is awesome

[ChinoCoug]

A drunk Pakistani name named Ali saw my companion and me, and yelled "Jesus police!" He invited us in to the lobby of his apt and sat us down on the bench. Then he sat down with us, and started kissing us. My companion was calm, while I was shying away. "Looks like your friend is a little shy," Ali said. My companion, always joking, said, "Yeah. You better train him. Give him another kiss." Then he started necking us, so we had to pull away.

My companion had to close his legs, because Ali was going for a full encounter. So we headed out, but not before my companion got his number and made an appointment to teach him. I told him that he'd have to go on splits if he wanted to go. He did, but the appointment juked.

[Jim Swarthout]

Originally Posted by Adam

This reminds me of a good one. There was this dancer guy, black, who called on a media referral. We took him whatever he ordered and he seemed pretty golden. He liked to sew his own clothes and stuff. At church for the first time he was wearing some white slacks, kind of loose and went out during sacrament meeting to the bathroom. A few moments later he sticks his head in the door and has someone get my attention and so I go out.

He has split his pants and asks me to pin his crotch closed. So I kneel down and he bends over and sure enough he isn't wearing any underwear. I pun it up quick without touching anything or stabbing him and he thanks me profusely and we go back in.

At the end of the week calling in to the ZLs one of them starts asking questions about what he looks like. He thinks he knows the guy. He arranges splits for the next week and comes into the area and we go over to the guy's house.

The look of "busted" on the guys face was priceless. It turns out he is gay and really hoping to find a gay Mormon missionary. He would move around and try out missionaries.

We took his photo and told him it was being circulated throughout the state and if he tried it again we would turn him into the police. He didn't call us again.

Just curious, if you had to call the police, what criminal act did you expect to accuse the man of doing and what did you expect the police to do?

[creekster]

Originally Posted by Jim Swarthout

Just curious, if you had to call the police, what criminal act did you expect to accuse the man of doing and what did you expect the police to do?

Stop that. If you ask that question again I am going to call the police.

[Surfah]

I was serving in Dodge City, KS and was visiting a family investigating the church. We were helping the mother with laundry behind their trailer. We hear a commotion from the other side so we rush around the house. Her husband is in a fist fight with the neighbors. It turns out that they were fighting because they each had boys the same age who they made fight each other and our investigator's son beat the crap out of the other kid and now his dad was pissed off about it. So I break up the fight. Our investigator was taking it too the neighbor. So he started popping off in the Mexican machismo way. So the neighbor came back for round two and I jumped in the middle again. The neighbor then came after me and I threatened to kick his ass and then call the cops on him. Other neighbors were watching and they pulled the neighbor away towards his trailer. I was trying to get our investigator to go into the house but he's still running his mouth and jumping up and down. He's drunk off his butt too. His wife is screaming at him to stop and get in the house. His youngest kids a girl and a boy are getting very upset by everything too. Next thing we know the neighbor still salty and licking his wounds jumps into his full size Chevy pickup and floors it heading straight for us. I start screaming run to everyone. I grab the two kids and literally jump out of danger and miss getting clipped by inches. Our investigator stands there and takes it head on. The neighbor just drives straight through and doesn't even stop. Our investigator shattered the windshield with his face and was flipped up and over the truck probably 10'-15' high and landed face down in a puddle of mud. He raised up onto his knees and then collapsed unconscious. The wife is hysterical. The kids are hysterical. They're screaming "my daddy's dead!" All the neighbors who saw everything disappear like cockroaches. My companion just soiled himself and can't seem to move. I run after the truck and try to get a license plate number but all I could see was dust. I run back to our investigator and check his vitals. He's barely breathing but has a pulse. I beg a neighbor to let me use the phone after being refused by 3-4 homes. The police and ambulance come. Not a single one of them speaks Spanish so I translate for them all. None of the neighbors will cooperate. They all deny seeing anything. So I tell the cops they're all lying. Finally we get to the neighbor's home and his wife pretends that she has been sleeping. They ask about her husband and she claims he was deported a few weeks prior. So the cops make me put the squeeze on her. I felt horrible doing it, but I guess I was just translating. She finally broke down when I told her they'd take her kids away and she'd go to jail for protecting her husband.

Our investigator survived. He didn't even have a broken bone. We spoke with his doctor and he told us that he was so drunk it probably saved his life. The neighbor fled and was never captured.

Mostly I just taught and baptized though.

[MikeWaters]

I almost got in a fight with the husband (or maybe ex-husband) of one of my investigators. Apparently drunk control freaks don't like to be laughed at when they physically threaten you. But it's not really a good story because it only could have been a fight, but wasn't.

[danimal]

I served in Paris. Here are a few:

1. Virtually every teenager would say to us when we walked by "FBI" or "fuck you."

2. Being asked about 2000 times if we knew Michael Jordan and if we could get them his autograph.

3. Walking through a neighborhood in a bad part of town and seeing a couple of hundred young teenagers outside a school. The school teachers were on strike and the kids were locked out. When we walked by we were surrounded by hundreds of them, chanting "Americans". Suddenly they start hucking huge rocks at us. We got pelted pretty good.

4. Receiving death threats written in blood in our mailbox. When we told our mission president, his only advice was "watch your back."

5. Knocking on a door and being invited in by a man. This was very unusual. He then proceeded to tell us that he had AIDS, showed us a large open sore on his hand, and slapping us with it.

6. Having a large group of gang members surround me and ask me for my wallet.

7. Having fruit and other random objects thrown at us from about 20 stories up.

8. In the summer having a comp who kept trying to walk by the local swimming pool so he could see the topless women.

9. At the end of my mission my parents got called as Mission presidents in southern France. So when my mission ended, I didn't go home, I went and stayed with them for a while. My mom and I went to the beach together. While it was awkward hanging around topless french women with my mom, it was much more uncomfortable hanging out with the bottomless men.

10. Going to a professional soccer game with a teenage less active. We were in the student section when they started rioting. They ripped chairs and benches out of the cement and started throwing them all over the place.

[MikeWaters]

That reminds me when one of the teenagers broke into our shack and stole the money we had stored in there. So we had no money for two weeks and had to eat rice and ramen for every mean (and nothing else). I was serioulsy fantasizing about food at the end of the two weeks, and decided I had to have pizza. When we went to the main island, I bought a frozen pizza from the supermarket. Went back to the mission house and baked it, took a bit, and nastiest pizza I had ever had. I looked at the box and it had expired two years before.

[TheSizzle36]

Well, some of mine are pretty tame, but I'll give them a shot:

1) In Chile they had houses that are built together and split down the middle, sort of like townhomes here, only not separated by more than a wall. We lived with a stud member who was single, RM, etc. Our bedroom wall was the one that shared with the neighbors bedroom. Well, our neighbor was an abusive man and would come home wasted time after time, and we would wake up at 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 in the morning listening to him beat the living tar out of his wife. The first time it happened it took my companion and the guy we lived with keeping me back from returning the favor to the douchebag (being smart, they didn't want me to get arrested). This happened fairly often while we lived there. We always called the cops, but the cops down there were pretty useless.

One night he came home and was just beating the shit out of her, and it pissed me off. We called the cops multiple times when we heard him yell out "Te voy a matar!" or "I'm gonna kill you". After that things went silent for a bit. We watched him go out to his car, get something and then go back inside. Still calling the cops, nothing happening. Well, it turns out he got a can of gasoline, doused his wife, the house, etc with it and lit it on fire. Oh, and he locked the door. So now, his house is up in flames, his wife is burning and our house and room is essentially connected to theirs.

We ran outside, busted in the door and pulled his wife out. I can honestly say that was the first time I touched a naked woman, and it was not pleasant. Her clothes were burned off and all you could smell was burnt flesh. We pulled the guy out of the house as well, and as the house is in flames, the cops FINALLY show up. And guess what the cop says? "You guys need to call the fire department, not the police department". What a dumbass.

We ended up taking all of our valuable into the street while they put out the fire, and just stood there at 5:00 am watching the neighbors house burn down.

The long and short of it was that the woman ended up dying, our mission president wouldn't let us testify against the guy, he got off without prison time, the half of the house next door burned completely down, our half, save a little smoke damage, was completely untouched. Truly a miracle that we weren't hurt and our apartment wasn't damaged. The worst part of the story, is the lady's parents were taking the discussions in another area; after that happened, they couldn't believe that God could let that happen. It was a sad awful experience.

2) We lived in the wealthy part of my mission during the summer and lived in an apartment that overlooked one of the busiest and nicest beaches in the country. As a missionary, it was rough. The worst part was walking home every night and being picked up on by attractive Chileans women and not being able to do a thing about it.

3) My trainer was sneaking out at nights while I slept, being exhausted adjusting to the mission and the heat, and going to clubs and making out with girls. My first Zone Conference/Interview with the President was an unpleasant one.

4) In another area I replaced a missionary who had a few people ready to be baptized. The only problem was that he got them all interested by saying that he was coming back to marry them. All 5 of them. It wasn't fun to break the news to the girls (none of whom were attractive) that the Elder wasn't coming back.

5) My first week in the country I taught my first 4th discussion to an elderly dude on splits with the DL's comp who had been in the country for about 2 months. I took the Law of Chastity principle, because he was old and we figured that it wouldn't be an issue. Apparently this dude was a bit of a player. He had 3 younger (like in their 20's) girls that he was boning. It was uncomfortable situation picturing him getting it on.

6) An Air-Soft war all-night that eventually got the cops called on the entire zone. That one went over well with the President.

7) My first Elder's Quorum president was bootlegging alcohol and selling it to save up enough money to go to the temple.

8) While I was in the office, one of the Elder's was using the mission truck to take girls out at night.

There are a few more I'm sure of... but I can't think of them off the top of my head.