Marrying converts vs. marrying lifetime members

[Hazzard]

Just to give you a little background, my mom is a convert, as are the moms of some of my closest friends. I have great respect for these women and have always looked at having at least one parent as a convert as a positive thing for the fresh and interesting perspectives they bring to the family and the church.

However, I always assumed I would marry someone who was born into the church because it seems to make more sense -- culturally and religiously -- to marry someone who grew up in the church like I did. But as I've stayed single longer and longer, and dated girls who are members as well as girls who are future members ( :wink: ), I have come to realize that I almost always get along better with the girls who are not members of the church.

I readily admit that because "light cleaveth unto light" and I apparently don't enjoy cleaving unto girls who already have the gospel, I may be lacking some light! I also admit that my contrarian leanings lead me to date girls who may not be the norm for members of the church to date. But I always seek out good girls who are not superficial, who can carry on interesting conversation, who are committed in all aspects of their lives, who are not asexual, who I am attracted to, who place a great importance on family, and who seek to come closer to God. I find that most girls I know who have these qualities do not happen to be members of our Church. I have also found that if I limited myself to dating members of the Church, I would be eliminating about 99% of the available American dating pool (trust me on this -- I've run the numbers!).

What do you think? I'm interested to hear some of your perspectives on the pros and cons of marrying converts vs. marrying people who were born into the church.

[Iluvatar]

I literally married the girl next door! I've known her my whole life. She's my best friend, and fortunatley for me, she has no hangups. We were both born under the covenant, but, I realize she's one of a kind. She's a bit more "liberal" than most mormon women.

Like you, I've always gotten along better with non-mormon/convert girls. They're much easier going, and tend to have healthier attitudes about sex. IMO, non-mormon girls tend to be better wives than Mormon girls. While, conversely, mormon girls seem to be better equipped mothers. It depends on what you want.

The majority of my friends that married mormon girls (especially Utah Mormon girls) wish they had married someone a little more sexual. One of my friends in particular claims he has had sex about 15 times in 10 years of marriage. And he says they have never had it just for fun. His wife thinks recreational sex is dirty. Needless to say, he has become a regular at the local strip clubs.

I have another friend whoes wife hasn't sat in the front seat of the car with him since the birth of their first child four years ago. It's all about the kids...he exists only to provide for the family. There is no frindship at all anymore.

That said, I worked with a guy that married a recent convert. He found out a few months ago that she has been frequenting local bars, drinking, picking up on guys, etc.

The most important thing is that you know the girl before you marry her. I would recommend a long engagement period, so that any weirdness will likely surface before you pull the trigger.

Just my 2 cents.

[SteelBlue]

Originally Posted by Iluvatar

In my experience, non-mormon girls tend to be better wives than Mormon girls.

Hey 'vatar, you're taking this polygamy stuff too far now!

Originally Posted by Iluvatar

The majority of my friends that married mormon girls (especially Utah Mormon girls) wish they had married someone a little more sexual. One of my friends in particular claims he has had sex about 15 times in 10 years of marriage. And he says they have never had it just for fun. His wife thinks recreational sex is dirty. Needless to say, he has become a regular at the local strip clubs.

This really brings home the point that prior to marriage, this type of thing should have been discussed thoroughly. While we Mormon's don't get to partake prior to the wedding day, we can certainly discuss it. I had several discussions with my "wife to be" on the topic. We both had a pretty good idea of what each other was expecting.

Originally Posted by Iluvatar

The most important thing is that you know the girl before you marry her. I would recommend a long engagement period, so that any weirdness will likely surface before you pull the trigger.

Amen to that except I recommend a long dating period and a short engagement.

[bluegoose]

Originally Posted by Iluvatar

She's my best friend, and fortunatley for me, she has no hangups.

Except for the fact that she is ready to give away the house at the Bishops request. :wink:

I wish I had more constructive input on this one. I was raised in an area outside of the Wasatch front with very few active LDS girls, most of whom were not exactly "dateable". I loved my time in Provo for the dating options and the fact that I met and married my wife while there. I am equally happy to be away from Utah for various reasons, one being the chance to live near more non-LDS individuals.

With that said, like many of the regulars here, I enjoy corresponding with other LDS people via cyberspace, and would love to have than one other BYU football fan (Steelblue) in my town of ~100,000 people to watch the games with.

The girls/women that I know in this area do not strike me as any more appealing for a future spouse than the LDS girls I met in Utah, other than the fact that they are more "experienced". Unless you are looking for open discussion on your/their sex life, I don't see any real value in a pursuing a non-LDS girls to date and marry.

As far as Iluvatar's statement about long engagements, I'm more of the philosophy of long courtship, short engagement. Easier to get yourself in "trouble" prematurely once engaged.

[Iluvatar]

[quote="SteelBlue"]

Originally Posted by Iluvatar

In my experience, non-mormon girls tend to be better wives than Mormon girls.

That was worded a little strangely, wasn't it?

You're right about the engagement period...in hindsight, my lengthy engagement was tough. Dating for a long time would have to be easier than being engaged forever.

Bluegoose,

That is one of the few real disagreements I've ever had with my wife. It was a doozy, though.

[Blue Heart]

I am a lifetime 5th generation pioneer stock Mormon. I married a lady who had just been a member for 4 years and is of a different race and culture then me. We have been married 21 years and have had no problems.

I would say that the downside is that I take care of a lot more of the Holidays and Traditional Mormon Culture things that my wife is not familiar with and does not care that much about as she was not raised around those things. We live in So Cal but all my family still lives in Utah. I had to introduce Fry Sauce, Green Jello, Funeral Potatoes etc to our family.

The upside is she does not have a lot of preconceived ideas when it comes to myths in the Church and I do not have to worry about what some YW President etc may have told her when she was young that left her misinformed.

My suggestion would be is to make sure that whoever you marry has a strong testimony and can stand by herself. If your wife is relying on your testimony whether she be a recent convert or lifetime member you maybe in trouble.

The advantage of a lifetime member without a strong testimony is she may stay active because of family and only knowing the mormon culture but eventually you could still have problems.

[FMCoug]

The issue is Mormon culture.

As a convert myself, I always though I'd marry into a big Mormon family, etc. I ended up marrying a gal whose parents joined the Church when she was 5. So her immediate family are all members but that's it.

In retrospect, it makes sense. She and her family were / are much more like me and my family than any "pioneer stock" Mormon girl I ever married.

I think I got the best of both worlds ... she grew up in the church but there's not the werid mormon culture stuff there either.

Bottom line is that IMO, mormons are werid! The church is true but much of what we consider "Mormon" is really cultural, not the gospel.

Whenever someone asks me whay I moved out of Utah, I like to say ... because there's too many dang Mormons! Always gets a funny look.

[cougjunkie]

My immediate family are the only members of the church, all of my aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Are dealing with serious worldy issues.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is my wifes family she grew up in the typical mormon family she is the youngest of 14, and her mom is the most religious person I have ever met, this is not a bad thing however you do nothing in that house with out it relating to the Lord. I am serious about this nothing. My wife due to the overbearance of her family decided to go out and find out about the church and its vailidity in her own ways. She is nothing like her family but is still very religious. I feel sometimes the rest of her family are still living off of her moms testimony. Since my wife decided to seek it out on her own she has built a testimoney for herself, she may have done some things along the way she shouldnt have but in all truthfulness she says she is glad she did them and feels they made her a stronger person.

[MikeWaters]

Marry a good person, don't worry if she is a convert or not.

That's a secondary concern. Or not a concern at all.

[myboynoah]

Originally Posted by cougjunkie

On the opposite end of the spectrum is my wifes family she grew up in the typical mormon family she is the youngest of 14, and her mom is the most religious person I have ever met, this is not a bad thing however you do nothing in that house with out it relating to the Lord.

The more I read about "typical" Mormon families, the more I realize how atypical my 5th generation Utah Mormon family was.

My testimony is beginning to suffer.