Why is it sometimes ok for dads to be gone so much?

[T Blue]

Originally Posted by MikeWaters

I think the quasi-ban on men teaching primary says something about how the church views cooperative parenting.

Think of the lawyers just waiting to put their paws into the LDS churches pockets from all the lawsuits being brought on behalf of those "primary" aged kids that males were once teaching.

The "quasi-ban" on men teaching primary has absolutley nothing to do with some supposed cooperative view on parenting being currently espoused by the leaders of the LDS faith.

[il Padrino Ute]

Originally Posted by RedHeadGal

Clearly. Someone is teaching a 7 yr old to be grateful he never sees his dad.

I disagree. The boy is grateful his dad is willing to make sacrifices in order to provide his family with a good life.

[Cali Coug]

Originally Posted by RedHeadGal

I told you the kind of hours he works. He leaves before the kids get up and gets home after they are asleep(and doesn't always even go home) 6 days a week (and on the 7th, of course, is at church). The fact that it's a gov job means he can't make much $$. It's not possible in a gov job, though he has a prestigious position.

Cooperative parenting is where both parents care for and nurture their children. This concept is NOT embraced by the LDS culture at large and only slightly poked at by the larger society.

You can almost certainly find his salary listed publicly.

I don't think saying "I am grateful my daddy works hard to provide for us" is the same as saying "I am grateful he is gone all the time." It may be showing gratitude for the sacrifice of the father in missing time with his kids in exchange for providing a financially good life for his kids. I would say cut the guy some slack. I doubt you know his situation as well as he does, and people frequently work a terrible job as a "downpayment" for a better job in the future that will be more lucrative and less time-consuming.

[ERCougar]

I'm with RedHead on this one. I don't think it's wrong that the kid is thankful for his dad; I don't think she's making that point either. The point is, it's much more acceptable for a man to be an absentee father than for a woman to be an absentee mother. I don't think this is the intent of the Gospel, but I definitely think it's ingrained into the culture. I also think this is an issue that will become more prominent as the years go on and as it becomes increasingly difficult to raise a family on one salary.

My ideal situation (for the future): Both parents have careers flexible enough that they can both develop their skills individually and contribute to society, and have time and energy to devote to their family, always valuing family above their individual pursuits. This is the kind of situation I'm going to raise my daughter (and sons, but particularly daughter) to aim for.

[MikeWaters]

Why do otherwise respectable and faithful LDS men take jobs that require a certain ridiculous number of billable hours that they know will take them away from family and church? When they could choose other jobs that did not require this?

[marsupial]

Originally Posted by RedHeadGal

I have mentioned I'm a primary teacher--kids turning 8. Last week, our lesson was about gratitude, and we were going around to the kids asking them to think of things they are grateful for.

Bishop's son (child #3 of 4 in the family) spontaneously said he's grateful his dad works so hard for their family that he has to be gone from early in the morning until late at night every day.

Bishop has a very demanding government job and reportedly works 15-hour days 6 days a week, in addition to fulfilling his Bishop responsibilities. He's clearly almost never home with his children during waking hours.

So what was interesting to me was the fact that his son must apparently be being taught that what his dad is doing is noble and important or some such. I don't understand this at all. Does it seem like we bend over backwards to support fathers doing all they can outside the home? Why do we not do all we can to support cooperative parenting instead of this kind of division?

A government employee that puts in 15 hours a day? That is glaring flaw in your story.

[Surfah]

Originally Posted by ERCougar

I'm with RedHead on this one. I don't think it's wrong that the kid is thankful for his dad; I don't think she's making that point either. The point is, it's much more acceptable for a man to be an absentee father than for a woman to be an absentee mother. I don't think this is the intent of the Gospel, but I definitely think it's ingrained into the culture. I also think this is an issue that will become more prominent as the years go on and as it becomes increasingly difficult to raise a family on one salary.

My ideal situation (for the future): Both parents have careers flexible enough that they can both develop their skills individually and contribute to society, and have time and energy to devote to their family, always valuing family above their individual pursuits. This is the kind of situation I'm going to raise my daughter (and sons, but particularly daughter) to aim for.

Kudos to you if you manage to pull that off. That would be my ideal also.

I guess it's an issue of semantics. What you and Redhead see as being an absentee father is what I see as someone making great sacrifices to provide for his family and congregation. I am sure it is safe to infer that he'd enjoy more time with his family, but in working for their financial security and the temporal and spiritual needs of his ward he is being a good father irrespective of time. I won't chide the child for sustaining his father the bishop and provider.

When my father was called to be bishop the stake president interviewed he and my mother together. My father expressed his concern for his family and also his unpredicatble work which at times meant he was away from home for a few months. The stake president also extended the call to my mother because really she'd be carrying a much heavier load with the absence of my father. Before accepting the call my parents called a family meeting and they explained to us that he had been extended the calling and that they would only accept if we would sustain him in it, understanding the sacrifice of time from us he'd be making. We did and he accepted.

[MikeWaters]

We had a wife stand up and say that when her husband was called to the Bishopric, so was she, and all wives of members of Bishoprics.

She was incorrect.

Maybe it will change in the future. For example, a Bishop should no more share the private workings and confidentials things with his wife than with me or a person on the street.

[CardiacCoug]

As somebody who unfortunately had to work for 15 hours on both Saturday and Sunday this past weekend after my wife and kids has just come back into town after a two week vacation without me, I am probably somewhat qualified to talk about this issue.

I think if a lot of guys cut back their work hours they would just spend time getting into trouble and goofing around rather than spending more time with their family. Also, having one parent who works 60-70 hours per week with the other parent home all of the time is better than having both parents work 40+ hours per week with a nanny raising the kids. That's not a particularly good argument, I know, but those are my thoughts.

[SeattleUte]

Dads who don't participate in family evening meal, playing with their kids and reading to them, etc., practically each night of the week (of course there are exceptions), and hours and hours of quality time each day on the weekend, pay a heavy price. Maybe it's worth it, it's each dad's choice to make, I'm not being judgmental, God knows I've been there, but the price is heavy. The relationship is almost perfectly linear; you get out what you put in. There isn't a better object lesson of karma. This is one way long commutes are costly.