Craziest mission stories.

[SteelBlue]

We had one elder in our mission who made it clear to anyone with whom he spoke that he didn't want to be on a mission at all. In fact, he'd tell you, the only reason he was on his mission was because his father had promised him a BMW upon his return. Anyway, he made it about a year and apparently couldn't take it anymore. So, he purchased a ticket to the "Monsters of Rock" tour as it swung through Belgium and he partook of the forbidden music. Oh, and some pot too. It did earn him his ticket home of course. He seemed to just want to go out with a good story.

[Colly Wolly]

I saw a one-legged man standing on crutches on the side of the road poop himself.

I saw a dude staring at elementary kids playing on a play ground "doing what SeattleUte did not have a problem with" in highschool. That was probably the worst thing I've ever seen.

Saw a bunch of crazy high speed motorcycle crashes.

A zone leader on my mission was due to go home, but he decided to extend for 6 weeks. During his extension, he fornicated and got sent home and disfellowshipped.

Saw lots of backbeaters.

District leader in my mission was training a greenie. Went to the church and told his comp he had to do a baptismal interview. Went into a classroom of the church with a girl and fornicated while his comp waited outside. He got sent home.

[YOhio]

Originally Posted by Colly Wolly

I saw a dude staring at elementary kids playing on a play ground "doing what SeattleUte did not have a problem with" in highschool. That was probably the worst thing I've ever seen.


Saw lots of backbeaters.

I forgot about the Taoist backbeaters. I saw quite a few of these in different areas of Taiwan, the worst being a guy who had a sword and sliced the top of his head. It was a pretty gross feeling to watch them, but I was always really curious.

In one area we would paint an orphanage for service. The whole thing was made out of concrete and was an open air building. The elder's had been painting the thing for years. By the time it was painted, they would start over because it had already peeled away. There was a mentally handicapped man, probably fifty years old, who would jack off all day. One particular day, I was standing on a ladder holding a bucket of paint when I heard him. I looked over and he was looking through the door pleasuring himself while watching the painting missionaries. I almost fell off the ladder.

[SteelBlue]

What's a backbeater?

[Colly Wolly]

Originally Posted by SteelBlue

What's a backbeater?

This paragraph is taken from the wikipedia page on Daoism. Backbeaters are jitong. They get possessed and walk around cutting themselves with knives and performing other acts of self-mutilation. It's really bizarre.

"Also at certain dates, street parades take place. These are lively affairs which invariably involve firecrackers and flower-covered floats broadcasting traditional music. Street parades may also include lion dances and dragon dances; human-occupied puppets (often of the "Seventh Lord" and "Eighth Lord"); jitong (乩童 male "Mediums") who mutilate their skin with knives; Bajiajiang, which are gongfu-practicing honor guards in demonic makeup; and palanquins carrying god-images. The various participants are not considered performers, but rather possessed by the god in question.[67]"

[San Juan Sun]

Jamaica 97-99

1. Was shaken awake in the middle of the night with a gun to my head. Two guys had broken in (one with a hand gun, the other a machete) and robbed us. They told us to give them some beer, and they didn't think Kool Aid was an acceptable substitute. They also rejected the offer to take a Book of Mormon with them.

2. In my first area, a missionary I was with on a trade-off got into an argument with some guys on the street. One of them whacked my in the face with a ice pick (broadside, not the point). Still put a small cut on my cheek though.

3. Got to do an ocean baptism. It was as great as it sounds... until I see the used condom floating in the water next to me.

4. Served in Grand Cayman, and met the people that own Nu-Skin. Most of them were very nice, but one of them was stone cold crazy.

5. Plenty (is 10 or so plenty?) of missionaries had girlfriends. A few came back and married them. Lots of great "Lock Your Heart" debates.

6. Saw too many riots to mention, but my favorite was started by a missionary who objected to some indigents building a market on Church property. He proceded to tear it down, and light it up in a big bonfire. Chaos ensued, but no one got hurt.

7. The above missionary chased a bike thief into the ghetto yelling thief, while carrying a machete. I followed. Some Jamaicans catch him, nail him with some big hunks of concrete. A crowd quickly forms, vigilante justice ensues with a lady chopping him in the back with a machete. Just in case you were wondering, when a machete hits bone it goes: PING.

8. A companion asking me if I thought he was gay. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. Turns out that he goes home, gets married and has a kid, but leaves them for a dude.

9. Our mission at one point had a bunch of bikes sold by a Utah company targeting the missionary market. They were called Liahonas. Several were stolen, but they were easily recognizable. One day, 6 of us in a Nissan Sentra spot a Jamaican on a stolen Liahona. We stop the guy, pull him off the bike, and right then a cop car shows up and throws the guy in the cop car. This was in a rough part of downtown Kingston. Everyone thought we were CIA working with the Kingston Police.

10. Got propositioned by lots of gay guys. It was a common misconception that missionaries were gay, since we traveled in twos. When one guy figured out that we weren't "batty boys", he begged us not to tell anyone he was gay. It's very rough to be a gay guy in Jamaica. (We didn't tell.)

[MikeWaters]

Originally Posted by San Juan Sun

3. Got to do an ocean baptism. It was as great as it sounds... until I see the used condom floating in the water next to me.

this reminds me. We stumbled on some kids next to a shack. Two of them were blowing small balloons. But as we got next to them, we realized they weren't balloons. "Where did you get them, " we asked.

"We found them in the jungle".

[Frank Ryan]

My stories aren't as good but here are a few

I was serving in Mike's stake at the time. We were knocking-doors and came across a guy who wanted to pray with us. We always obliged that request. That isn't all that unusual in Texas. During the prayer the man started forcefully smacking our foreheads and casting devils out of us.


In one of our Zone Conferences with a GA, one of the more fake, suck-upy Elders dumbly explained why he couldn't always follow the rules to a T. The rather crabby GA then asked the Elder if he had ever been struck by lightning. "No," the Elder responded.
"Well you will be," the GA told him.

[Radawg]

I don't have many life-threatening crazy stories, but I have a couple of funny ones.

1. While knocking doors my second week in Spain a young guy answered peering from behind a partially open door. He was sans shirt and asked us to wait a second. He went into another room and yelled "come in, have a seat in the living room." After a minute he came walking in with some OJ, a couple of glasses, and a little towel around his waist. He poured a glass of OJ took a drink, and casually removed his towel and tossed it on the table. While sporting quite the stiffy he proceeded to ask us what we wanted to talk about. My trainer actually started talking to the guy about the Book of Mormon and went on for several minutes. When we finally left, the dude invited us back when his friends were going to be there so we could tell them about the book of mormon too. We didn't go back, but we did count the visit as a contact, and I think it was the only Book of Mormon we gave away that week.

2. I had a companion who suffered from seasonal depression. The first night with him he showed me his knife collection (which was impressive), and then he stayed up for hours sharpening them.

3. Same companion. We were visiting some weird semi-active members who were making us dinner. They were using some wine in one of the recipes and asked us "innocent Utah boys" if we had ever tasted alcohol. One thing led to another, and the next thing I know they're pouring my companion a very tall glass of wine and daring him to drink it. They didn't even get to 'double dog' before he grabbed the glass and downed it like a shot.

4. Same comp. Two months after I was with him he was transferred to be companions with somebody he hated passionately. One night he woke up in the middle of the night, stole all of the other missionaries' apartment keys (in Spain there is often no doorknob on the front door...you open it with a key from the inside and the outside), cut the phone lines, and caught a train for Austria. The other elders woke up in the morning and found themselves locked in (5th floor or so), with no working phones, and with the elder in question missing. They were stuck for most of the day. Luckily the Mission pres was in town to do interviews and came looking for them when they didn't show. By the time they got out of the apartment and went looking for the AWOL elder he was probably half way to Austria. A week or so later he ran into missionaries in Austria who apparently convinced him to head back to spain. I'm sure he had some explaining to do, but he did end up finishing his mission.

5. Although I didn't experience this personally, I heard several stories of gorgeous women flashing elders or answering the door naked. In one of my apartments, two of the elders had one of these experiences and then spent the next several days talking about the "bueños" they kept having as a result.

6. While doing some service at a rest home in Northern Spain I met a lady who lived through the bombing of Guernica. I gained a new appreciation for Picasso's painting after hearing her story. I guess that's not necessarily a crazy mission story, but I thought it was pretty cool nonetheless.

7. While living in a town known for its ETA contingent, we heard an explosion during morning study time. We later found it was a ETA car bomb several blocks away. Nobody was killed--just a moderately crazy mission story.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Originally Posted by Radawg

I don't have many life-threatening crazy stories, but I have a couple of funny ones.

Excellent first post. Welcome.