Those who discuss past transgressions

[The_Tick]

I agree with Farrah and byuPride on this one...

Granted...I married someone that had a kid already so I think I might know the answer to one of the questions...

My life is an open book. She asked questions I answered honestly. I answered questions, she answered honestly.

Help our marraige start out on the right foot.



I have had 2 YM in my Priest Quorum that were smoking. I talked with both of them about being an inactive smoking teenager as a kid, how I quit and how I broached the subject with the bishop when I came back to church. Both boys quit smoking and are in good standings again.

Was I wrong to share? Nope. It helped provide the strength they needed to quit what they already knew was wrong.


Honesty is the best option.

[SteelBlue]

Originally Posted by fusnik11

If you don't disclose, what celestially has been forgotten, are you lying?

Why should we hold ourselves to higher standards than God and Jesus?

In this instance yes, you are lying. We're talking about a decision with eternal consequences. The woman who has to make the decision should have all of the information about you that she desires. Anything less than total honesty in this particular situation is patently unfair to your future spouse.

I don't see this as holding oneself to a higher standard than God and Jesus. Remember, they know what you did. They know your heart and they "remember it no more" when you've changed. Your future spouse, in my opinion, is one of the few people on earth who have a right to know everything about you. It's up to her to decide if she can accept that you've been forgiven or if she'd rather move on. IOW, she has to decide if she can handle remembering it no more.

[Archaea]

Originally Posted by SteelBlue

In this instance yes, you are lying. We're talking about a decision with eternal consequences. The woman who has to make the decision should have all of the information about you that she desires. Anything less than total honesty in this particular situation is patently unfair to your future spouse.

I don't see this as holding oneself to a higher standard than God and Jesus. Remember, they know what you did. They know your heart and they "remember it no more" when you've changed. Your future spouse, in my opinion, is one of the few people on earth who have a right to know everything about you. It's up to her to decide if she can accept that you've been forgiven or if she'd rather move on. IOW, she has to decide if she can handle remembering it no more.

Why should she want to know?

That part intrigues me.

If somebody asks about something I did in the past, usually I will try to change the subject, but if forced I will tell the truth and then it dredges up the guilt, one had hoped would be erased. Why would somebody wish to pick at a scab?

[SteelBlue]

Originally Posted by Archaea

Why would you want to know?

I didn't ask my spouse. I assumed since she was found worthy by the bishop, anything in the past, was past. If God had forgotten something, why should I know about it.

That's fine. But I can certainly understand why somebody would want to know. Past serious transgression is an indication that at some point one was willing to move in a very wrong direction. While one can certainly be fully forgiven of all of those deeds, a potential mate needs to decide if the risk of a reoccurance is a risk they want to take.

Let's say a girl has 2 choices before her. One is a man who has never had any problems with the law of chastity. The other is a man who slipped up when he was younger, but has been fully forgiven. All things being equal, she may decide that there is less risk being with the man who has never strayed. She may ultimately be incorrect. But it is her decision to make and she should have all of the information that she desires before her.

[Archaea]

Originally Posted by SteelBlue

That's fine. But I can certainly understand why somebody would want to know. Past serious transgression is an indication that at some point one was willing to move in a very wrong direction. While one can certainly be fully forgiven of all of those deeds, a potential mate needs to decide if the risk of a reoccurance is a risk they want to take.

Let's say a girl has 2 choices before her. One is a man who has never had any problems with the law of chastity. The other is a man who slipped up when he was younger, but has been fully forgiven. All things being equal, she may decide that there is less risk being with the man who has never strayed. She may ultimately be incorrect. But it is her decision to make and she should have all of the information that she desires before her.

So now, guys are nothign but meat. Which slab is better.

I agree that a guy with past criminal past, a child, an abortion probably should disclose, but

Let's say a guy is a convert, was an average guy had some beers and was affectionate with a gal or two. Later, he joins the Church, serves a mission, and is active.

It seems that no two situations are the same.

What should lead her to ask? Mere curiosity. Are gals really balancing muliple guys like football recruits schools?

Is that the sort of thing a gal asks cavalierly?

[bYuPride]

Originally Posted by Archaea

Why should she want to know?

That part intrigues me.

If somebody asks about something I did in the past, usually I will try to change the subject, but if forced I will tell the truth and then it dredges up the guilt, one had hoped would be erased. Why would somebody wish to pick at a scab?

archaea, i don't think any girl wants to know just out of curiosity whether or not a potential husband and father to her children has had past morality problems. it's out of necesity. if a young man has a pornography problem.. i mean a problem. it's not just a quick fix. it will always be VERY EASY for him to fall back into. if he has been depressed to the point of needing medication. it's not just a quick fix. if the young man has had pre-marital sex before, for some girls, it takes away from the "specialness" of sex. i'm not saying that the young man is bad. everybody makes mistakes and can change, but their lives will be changed forever if he has premarital sex, is/has been addicted to porn, has had depression, etc.. these are SERIOUS problems. Your future spouse more than anyone has the right to know... in my opinion. other than that, nobody needs to know anything.

[bYuPride]

Originally Posted by Archaea

So now, guys are nothign but meat. Which slab is better.

I agree that a guy with past criminal past, a child, an abortion probably should disclose, but

Let's say a guy is a convert, was an average guy had some beers and was affectionate with a gal or two. Later, he joins the Church, serves a mission, and is active.

It seems that no two situations are the same.

What should lead her to ask? Mere curiosity. Are gals really balancing muliple guys like football recruits schools?

Is that the sort of thing a gal asks cavalierly?

now we are dealing with a whole different situation. i've been talking as if the 2 people looking to get married have been members their whole lives.

i actually dated a girl who wasn't a member her whole life, she had drank, had sex, etc. etc. meeting her parents i could tell she wasn't brought up with any kind of guidance towards morality or any sort of coaching on how to make good decisions. basically there was no parenting going on.

we met and started dating a year after she was baptized. she was making good choices. she was being a "good girl". as we got more and more serious, because of the choices she had made in her past, some things that are important to me, weren't to her. we decided to break up. i still thought she was a great girl, we just weren't meant to work out. i was able to look beyond her past and really liked the girl she was trying to become.

a few months after we broke up, she fell back into drinking, sex, etc. she thought she was strong enough. she thought she could withstand the temptation. but eventually the greek sororities and fraternities at the u finally broke her. and now she's right back to where she started.

was i glad she told me about her past? yes. did it affect my decision on wanting to be with her? not at all. it brought us closer. our goals turned out to be different. and she fell. knowing what her past was, i knew where her weaknesses were and was able to help her some. if you don't want help, then you can't be helped.

sorry for the rambling.. hope this makes sense..

[The_Tick]

Here is a not so funny example.....

I have a friend that is my age that is no longer active in the church. Here is how it happened.


He goes through about 6 girls in High School. Never fully having "sex", but would give and recieve oral stimulation with all 6 girls. (Not at the same time of course, but this was over the time frame of 2 years. Our JR. and SR. years.)

He becomes addicted to oral sex.

He cleans his life up. He goes on a mission. Comes home from a mission and meets a very nice gal. They decide to get married. They get married in the temple.

18 months later their marraige is over and he leaves the church. Why? Lack of Oral sex.

Plain and simple. We have talked about it 50 different times. She didn't do it enough, she wouldn't let him do it to her. When she did perform for him she wouldn't "finish".

I asked him if they had any discussions about certain expectations that they both may have of married life. He said that they didn't and he never thought it would be an issue. And this thought process really mystified me until he put it into context. He had had sexual contact with 6 other gals. All 6 did what he wanted and to completion. So in his mind he thought that was normal.

He told me that if he knew that his wife wasn't going to do that and wasn't interested in it that he wouldn't have married her. I don't know her all that well but I am pretty sure that had she known she wouldn't have married him.


He is now perfectly happy living with a "nasty" girl that will basically do anything he wishes.


This is a couple that would have benefited by talking about some "history".

[fusnik11]

Originally Posted by The_Tick

This is a couple that would have benefited by talking about some "history".

I think they would have benefitted from talking about comfort levels, not history.

Again I don't know which side of the fence I sit on, there are certain health risks that occur when you have sex and sexual encoutners, but Utah isn't necessarily the breeding grounds of herpes, unless of course you live in downtown Ogden.

[Venkman]

Originally Posted by bYuPride

look at it this way fus. let's say you had pre-marital sex. for one reason or another your wife knows that girl with whom you fornicated with. your wife finds out from this other girl or from another friend that you had sex with her. how would that work out? i would say it's better to tell everything to your spouse. it would save you from a pretty awkward situation and may strengthen your relationship with your wife knowing what you've gone through and how you've grown from it.

There was a King of Queens episode on that very thing. It was freakin hilarious.