Sad story...

[ERCougar]

I just found out that my former bishop, with whom I was close on both a personal and professional level, has had a 3-yr affair with a nurse at the hospital. Leaving out all the gory details, he is now leaving the church, stating that he feels that he's been "forced into a lot of things" that weren't really his choices, meaning a life of activity in the church.

I don't want to justify anything he did, and I'm not claiming that he was forced into this affair (he's not claiming this either), but I've seen this type of scenario play out numerous times in the church with very close friends. It's typically a high-achieving type person who's very active in the Church, who suddenly decides he/she is done with it, often with a similar explanation. To a certain extent, I can relate with what they're saying, although I can't justify what they're doing, as at this point in their lives, kids and spouses are involved, and too many people are getting hurt.

Do you feel like this happens more often in the Church than outside of it? If so, why? I have my own theories, but I'm curious to hear what others have to say on this.

[myboynoah]

Originally Posted by ERCougar

I just found out that my former bishop, with whom I was close on both a personal and professional level, has had a 3-yr affair with a nurse at the hospital. Leaving out all the gory details, he is now leaving the church, stating that he feels that he's been "forced into a lot of things" that weren't really his choices, meaning a life of activity in the church.

I don't want to justify anything he did, and I'm not claiming that he was forced into this affair (he's not claiming this either), but I've seen this type of scenario play out numerous times in the church with very close friends. It's typically a high-achieving type person who's very active in the Church, who suddenly decides he/she is done with it, often with a similar explanation. To a certain extent, I can relate with what they're saying, although I can't justify what they're doing, as at this point in their lives, kids and spouses are involved, and too many people are getting hurt.

Do you feel like this happens more often in the Church than outside of it? If so, why? I have my own theories, but I'm curious to hear what others have to say on this.

Men and women having affairs and then leaving the marriage? Happens all the time outside the church. I see the "I've been forced to do things all my life" statement as just another excuse. Did he also use the "My kids can't be happy unless I am happy" excuse as well?

What was the church forcing him to do? Be a faithful husband? Create a safe and secure environment for his children? Wow, tough life.

[BYU71]

I was shocked when I found out the best Bishop I ever had divorced his wife, left BYU where he was employed and left the church. He did remarry, but I don't know if he was involved with anyone before the divorce.

I saw him for the first time for the first time in 24 years a few months ago. We happened to bump into each other on the main floor of my office building. We exchanged pleasantries and talked about some of the fun experiences we had like cattle roundup. I just didn't feel like quizzing him on the divorce or his situation with church. We said we would get together, but haven't done so.

He really was one of the finest men I have known.

[ERCougar]

Again, I'm not justifying what he did. He also isn't claiming that he was forced into the affair in any way.

What I'm concerned about is that in the church we have this ideal plan for lives--i.e. go to high school, don't drink/smoke/mess around with girls until you turn 19, go on a mission, come home and get married and have kids. Independent exploration/rebellion/finding your own way/whatever you want to call it is not encouraged because we already have all the answers for you. When you're given all the answers, you don't spend as much time figuring out your own answers, which eventually have to do. I think outside the church, you're more likely to do this BEFORE you get married, and will screw up so many others' lives in the process. You wait to get married until you feel ready to be married. Instead in the church, we talk people into getting serious about marriage, discounting their own feelings about the idea, often even calling any hesitancy to get married "selfish". Hence, the man with homosexual tendencies is reassured that if he just follows the plan, everything will take care of itself and God will bless him for his obedience. And then 5 years later, he has an affair with a man and wrecks his marriage and family.

I just wish there were a way to encourage people to do this stuff before they get married.

Sorry for the ramble. This whole situation is a little disconcerting for me as the news is about an hour old.

[Tex]

ER,

My sympathies. It's a terrible thing to find out that someone you respect has been leading a double-life.

While I sympathize with the idea that if we just had a chance to sow our wild oats, we'd learn our lesson and everything would be ok, in practice it doesn't work out that way. By that same logic comes the philosophy that you should live with a person for a few years before marrying them, just to "try them out" and make sure it's going to work before you commit. The reality is, people who do so fail at a higher rate than those who don't.

Best is to teach the right way, and then teach the atonement for those times when all of us fall short.

[myboynoah]

I guess I sound harsh. I apologize. This happened to my sister so I'm not all that sympathetic to the perpetrators. How a man can leave his children, especially young ones, is beyond me.

While you lay out an interesting scenario, I honestly cannot relate. I know The Church teaches a certain pattern for happiness in life, butit isn't rocket science. It's pretty much what most people are seeking; a stable and loving home. Maybe I'm unique, but I feel like I didn't do anything that I wasn't happy with and committed to. I went on a mission because I felt I should (I intentionally waited to put in my papers until my parents left me alone). I didn't get married until I met someone with whom I wanted to spend life and beyond (at age 27). We didn't have children until we felt we were ready (at age 32). We're devout and very compliant, but try to keep it all in perspective. So I really can't relate to someone that says they did things they weren't sure they wanted to do simply because it was expected. Where were they during their life? Is The Church and culture really that oppresive? I grew up in as mullah a family as there was, right in the middle of a very Mormon Utah town. Why wasn't I affected?

My former brother-in-law was a spoiled brat. That was the source of his problem. The rest were just excuses.

I do understand your shock, though. I agree, it is quite disconcerting. I wish the best for your former Bishop and especially for his family. Life will be real hell for a while.

[scottie]

Originally Posted by Tex

ER,

My sympathies. It's a terrible thing to find out that someone you respect has been leading a double-life.

While I sympathize with the idea that if we just had a chance to sow our wild oats, we'd learn our lesson and everything would be ok, in practice it doesn't work out that way. By that same logic comes the philosophy that you should live with a person for a few years before marrying them, just to "try them out" and make sure it's going to work before you commit. The reality is, people who do so fail at a higher rate than those who don't.

Best is to teach the right way, and then teach the atonement for those times when all of us fall short.

Help me understand: how is sowing wild oats the same logic as getting to know someone by living with them before marriage? I don't see how it's the same logic.

[il Padrino Ute]

Originally Posted by scottie

Help me understand: how is sowing wild oats the same logic as getting to know someone by living with them before marriage? I don't see how it's the same logic.

Sowing wild oats and cohabitation have a relationship in that they pretty much cause the same problems:


http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html

[RockyBalboa]

I find it interesting that when this happens, that the majority of the time there seems to be affair of some sort involved somewhere.

That's sad.

A friend of mine for many years came home from work this past Christmas Eve served with divorce papers. He's in the Bishopric and been faithful to his wife since day one. She was the consummate Martha Stewart Susie Homemaker lady. She had just been released as the R.S. President and was serving as the compassionate service leader, and things had been going great...or so it seemed.

He said his wife was always the rock, the strong one. When they went out she never alluded to their being troubles. Usually when these things happen a person can look back and see where they missed the signals, just wondering how they could've been so stupid. For a few weeks he was racked and heart broken, wondering why this had happened...with literally no explanation from her other than.."I can't do this anymore."

I finally told him...."it doesn't make any sense.....and I hate to even mention it, but do you think she was seeing someone else?" He didn't think so. One day when she was gone, he got into the house, got on the computer and found 18 months worth of emails from a guy she'd met on one of the LDS Singles Websites.

Turns out she'd been having an affair with this man for nearly 8 months. He found naked pictures she'd taken of herself and sent to this guy. Long story short...she lived as much of a double life as a person could. She's now accused him of abuse, which he refutes and says has never happened.

The stark change in her demeanor, style and aggressive behavior has been shocking to watch. He went to the Stake President and Bishop and asked to be released from his calling and they asked him to hold on longer if he can.

It's now been just over 2 months since she served him. Since that time he found out that she had an abortion the week before she kicked him out (Something with which I can relate) and that she started getting herself tested for HIV...as the further truth came out that this guy she'd been seeing wasn't the only one she'd had affair. During the duratino of their 11 year marriage it came that she'd had sex with over 15 different men.....5 of them in their ward during that timeframe. All 5 had since moved out.

He's heartsick and heartbroken. He's filed for sole custody of the children and an ugly legal battle is pending.

She actually told him this line...and yes I overheard it while helping him move his boxes out..."I'm sick and tired of doing what the church wants and think I've earned to some of my own things for a change."

Total Selfish bitch.

[ERCougar]

Originally Posted by Tex

ER,

My sympathies. It's a terrible thing to find out that someone you respect has been leading a double-life.

While I sympathize with the idea that if we just had a chance to sow our wild oats, we'd learn our lesson and everything would be ok, in practice it doesn't work out that way. By that same logic comes the philosophy that you should live with a person for a few years before marrying them, just to "try them out" and make sure it's going to work before you commit. The reality is, people who do so fail at a higher rate than those who don't.

I think there's a difference, really. In one case, you're figuring what kind of life you want to lead. In the other, you're figuring out if that's the right person with some sort of half-hearted commitment. That's not considering the additional possibility that those who are willing to cohabitate also likely find divorce a more acceptable solution than the more conservative types who find cohabitation to be unacceptable.