So, I get called into the EQ Presidency
 

And a few people CONGRATULATED me. I don't understand congratulating people for getting a calling. Congratulating someone is in a much smaller sense, throwing a party for them to celebrate an achievement. Did Elder Cook's family throw a huge bash celebrating his call as an apostle?

About six or seven months ago they called two new counselors into the bishopric in my old ward. One of the guys got up and started giving the equivalent of an Oscar acceptance speech.

My wife works as an assistant to estate planning attorney, huge BYU fan and I believe completely active (I say this to infer that the guy doesn't have animosity towards the church). Somehow this guy has been able to duck big callings (bishopric, stake presidency, high council). I need to sit down with him and find out his secret before it's too late.

Don't be too social at Church. Keep people guessing. NEVER attend an activity. If your ward is the last to meet in the building, never help pick up chairs (even when asked).

IOW, be as selfish and non-service oriented as possible.

There are easier ways to not get a big calling of course. You could just say "no." Or, just don't attend church at all. Guaranteed ticket out of a Bishopric calling.

Were you born without a sense of humor? Or is this an acquired trait?

Never wear a suit. Once in a while don't wear a tie.

This isnt' foolproof however, as it didn't work for me.

If you really don't want to do it, how about declining the calling. If there is something else you would rather do, ask if you could do that. If you don't want a calling altogether, then tell them. Short, simple, and honest. That should keep them at bay for a long time.

I'm serious.

Being slowly digested in a whale's belly is not my idea of fun.

Apparently your sense of humor is badly calibrated as well.

Keep a file cabinet full of documents, memoirs and printouts from questionable websites which casts the leaders of the church in the worst light possible. Let the bishop know you try to disseminate those "gotchas" whenever and wherever possible and that the EQ would be a perfect venue to help balance out the propoganda manual the church distributes on the Prophet du Jour.

Tell him it's in the interest of the membership to be immunized and you have just the gamma globulin the doctor ordered and reassure him that the cure is actually better than the disease.

Me either. IN fact, I have always suspected that I was being punished for the fact that I had taken to never wearing a tie to church.