The Real Me
 

My name is Dave. I'm 24 years old. I'm a student at a school in Arizona. I'm a Religious Studies and Philosophy Major with a Psychology minor.

I was raised, somewhat, as a member of the LDS Church. I was baptized in October of 1996 at the age of 13 on my mother's birthday. I did it for her. Shortly thereafter I went inactive with the rest of my family. We were never consistent in our church attendance.

I realized I was gay when I was a freshman in high school. I found it easy, with little religious influence, to accept myself. That didn't last long as I became involved with Protestant churches that told me that I was sinful in nature. I also had minimal involvement in LDS seminary. I was a lost boy looking for hope in something I wasn't sure I believed in. This continued all through high school.

I continually recreated myself, phases if you will, to determine who I was. The most prominent characteristic was my love for politics. I once wanted to be a politician who fought for equality.

My parents got divorced when I was 16. I found out through my mom that my dad was actually gay.

I came out to my family my senior year. At first, my mom seemed okay with it. But she began to ask me if I had a girlfriend. It happened every week. It was painful.

I went to school at a university in 2002. I drank every night and slept all day. The result was that I lost my scholarship and lost control of whoever I was supposed to be.

As a last line of hope, I looked to the LDS church. I attended faithfully for 2 years. I gave up everything. I gave up all the bad stuff taught to us through Section 89 of the D&C. I gave up my sexual lifestyle so that I could hold a temple recommend. I confessed everything to my bishop. I worked so hard to be what I knew my mom wanted me to be and what the leaders of the church wanted me to be. I pushed myself back into the closet.

I attended counseling at LDS Family Services. The ward paid for it because I was unable to do so financially.

In May of 2005, a good friend of mine who was a missionary at the time was my escort through the Mesa Temple for my endowment. It was one of the most joyous experiences of my life.

Sadly, I became restless. I couldn't reconcile being gay and Mormon. What did I do? I went out and had drunken sex with a guy I met at a bar. Out of guilt, I confessed to my bishop. On August 19, 2005, I was disfellowshipped. I have never returned to full fellowship since.

At about the same time, I actually did become more involved with the Community of Christ. I attended infrequently and learned that they were more affirming of gays and lesbians than the LDS. My involvement has continued to this time. I was officially baptized as a member of the Community of Christ on May 11, 2008. I have grown to love the church and it is a huge part of my life.

I chose my major for education because I am fascinated with the different ideas of belief of different worldly faiths. As for the minor in Psychology, I want to understand why I fear where I came from, who I am, and where I am going. My choices to pretend to be someone I am not on LDS web boards is not understandable to me. I think I only do it for attention. Why? I don't know.

"The Broken, The Beaten, and The Abandoned" is my attempt to finally reconcile the continuing internal torment I inflict on myself with the love of Christ. It is also meant to be a voice for those who struggle and who have struggled with homosexuality. Maybe if I can finally have internal peace, I can stop this bullshit of a mess I have already created.

I am also fascinated by Latter-day Saint history and theology. I love reading about women and the priesthood, ordination of blacks, reconstruction of Mormon doctrine. Mostly the controversial issues. I guess I love controversy. At the same time, I'm also a hyporcrite. When someone bashes on the LDS church, I am quick to defend. At the same time, I have no problem arguing where the church has gone wrong.

In the end, I don't know that I will ever be in a real relationship because of my inability to be honest with myself and others (because of fear). I know that I don't deserve the forgiveness of anyone of you on this board or any other board. I do apologize. I am a liar. I hope this post helps. Maybe it just shows that I'm even more screwed up in the head. I guess it does not matter.

Thank you all for your abrasive and disrespectful comments. They were deserved and needed so that I could create this post.

Dave

Anthesin, I don't know who you are or what your history with the board is. I'm not even certain if the above post is a work of fact or fiction. But it is quite a moving testimony and personal narrative, so I suspect the former. Good luck to you.

Cool, so you're in a college creative writing class. Too bad your written product would earn a D-. But you've got quite the active imagination!

Dave, Dwayne, and I forget your third name, this guy's shtick is all the same.

Fool me one shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Whatever and whoever you are, your shtick is merely shtick. This board does not tolerate the trolls who merely troll, or people who put on a persona to deceive, so as Lebowski has stated you have no credibility here and we do not really enjoy being lied to.

And before you try, once again, "okay, those other times I was lying but now I'm not" shtick, think again. We don't believe you.

How many threads are you going to start with, "Well I lied on this site and that site, but this made up story is really true." We don't find it entertaining and there is nothing you can do to rehabilitate your image.

You owe Kyle $200. He wants it back.

to redeem yourself, just like in the mythologies of old, you will need to go on a quest.

we will let you know what the quest is. it will probably involve cougarboard.com.

You can say that again. What is this, persona #6? I have lost track.

If this is in fact your real story, then it's a damn shame you lied. Your credibility is long gone at this point. Move along.

I am totally convinced that man made jubilees are soooooo cool that even gay boys like 'em!

DON'T KNOCKEM TILL YOU ROCKEM!

This thread is proof Mormon gays and apostates are shunned by LDS.

The first Anthesian was relatively warmly received.

Now he is a miscreant who aims to toy with us.