I would like to suggest
 

That under Current Events we change this line:
Just as it sounds, except no Terri Shiavo!
to read "no Paris Hilton!"

I just wanted to say that.

Hear Hear.

Sounds good to me.

Paris!?! Ohmygoodness! Can you believe what that poor girl has had to go through this past week?

Oh my heck! I can only imagine. It's so unfair that she has to do time when she has a medical problem! I mean, don't they, like, let you out when you're sick? And that medical ward is just, like, totally gross!

I heard they don't even have windows, and you know I feel so bad for her because, you, like, have to have natural lighting to do your make-up! It's almost like they don't care!

Seriously! Paris was all like, I feel like I'm in a cage! That is for real sooo unfair for her. Jail is one thing, but for her to feel like she's in a cage is not even humane. Plus, it's just that she's a celebrity is why they're so crappy to her. They're just jealous. You know what I mean. That judge was way grumpy too.